Courageous. Brave. Warrior. Hero. Superpower. Inspiration. Fighter. Strong. Badass.

Through the adventure of losing your sight, you’ll hear them all. You’ll be referenced as an “inspiration” by those who can’t imagine the reality of going blind. You’ll be called a “hero” for not giving up. You’ll be called a “warrior” for not slumping onto the floor and breaking down.

People see blindness as the worst possible thing, besides death, to happen… and they aren’t far off. However, through the adventure of losing sight, a new world, covered in vails of darkness, pain and struggle begins to part ways. This new world is the same place you’ve always been, the same home you’ve lived in, the same sidewalk you walk down but now, it’s different. It’s dark, it’s challenging, it’s scary and it isn’t fair.

However, this new world offers many things. It teaches humbleness, it enlightens preserverence and it lives in gratefulness. This new world, through the blanket of dark, blur and colorless orbs exists for reason. It’s a special world that only a few of us get to exist in.

It’s Getting Dark

Life’s busy. I wish I had more time in my days to compose words and share thoughts on AsTheLightDims.com but unfortunately, my days just don’t have the time scheduled. Neither do my eyes.

My last post “Living Life In Between,” posted in November of 2021 was impactful. It opened my eyes, no pun intended, to the realism of how quickly my vision was fading. The darkness was real then and now, it’s absolutely unavoidable. Today, I’ve lost all color, with only faint glimpses from time to time. I’ve lost a majority of depth perception, resulting in a lot of jammed fingers, bumps, bruises and broken toes. My right eye, which was always my weak eye, is all but there for appearance at this point. The right eye has thinned it’s peripheral vision to that of a drinking straw with the central vision blurry and unusable. My left teye, thank goodness, continues to provide enough vision to function. It’s allowing me to see these words as I type them in a 90% zoom on my 36″ screen. The left eye is still allowing me to recognize people, and although the clarity is fading, I have found a lot of ways to assume who it is.

Where my vision is today, was the worse thought in the world when we were diagnosed in 2016. Losing facial recognition, not being able to make eye contact and being forced to experience the world in such a different way from others, the thought terrified us to our core. Today, here we are.

I use a cane 100% of the time in the dusk and dark. Every restaurant, every bar, every new home I visit, my cane is in use. Lately, I have been having to use it more and more in and around our home, mostly to help as this new world takes over.

New places and adventures are daunting to say the least. Cane out and a face of a forced smile, I walk forward with my crew by my side. We learn along the adventure, every single time. Some lessons hurt emotionally and some hurt physically. No matter which one avails, the pain is real and so is the exhaustion.

When we were first diagnosed, the Doctor told us in 2016 that my eyes were already working twice as hard as a sighted person without Retinitis Pigments. Today, I can’t even do the math but I’ll say this, they are working hard. They are struggling to scan and gather enough information about my surroundings so I can get a glimmer of what is around me. They are trying so hard to inform my brain of danger, beauty and everything in between. Believe me, this part of the adventure is absolutely exhausting. It’s a tired that I have never felt before, even after a weekend of binge partying. It’s a tired that takes you down with it and no matter how much you fight it, it wins.

The Unsung Heroes Continue to Provide the Light

Now that my “update” is finished, which I feel is necesasary, I can continue on to the motivation to make the time for this posting today. The necessity of the “update” is not only for me to track my progression, attitude and realities, but also to share it with anyone who may read this and finds themselves in a similar portion of this new world. If that’s you, you can do it.

In the past 6 months, much has changed. Our first born daughter has turned 8, started 3rd grade and is turning into one of the most amazing people that I have ever met. Her sincerity, compassion, love, care, and empathetic outlook truly brings a tear to my eye. I imagine that watching her Dad lose his vision has shaped some parts of this. If so, there is just one more benefit to blindness as she is going to continue to be one phenomenal human being. Watching her become a young lady has, is and will be one of my most cherished memories. I love you P.

Our youngest has gone from a squish of a baby to a full blown 4 year old attending pre-school. Her spunky, diva ways lead to the most sincere love and affection that I have ever felt. Her hugs take your breath away and her smile can cure nearly any bad day, or part of it. She has grown up so much in these past 6 months that some mornings, I forget, just for a second, that she isn’t our little baby anymore. At 4 years old, she is fully aware of my blindness and does things that many 7 year olds would never do. She cleans up her toys, to keep Daddy from tripping. She takes my hand to show support when in a challenging situation and she always stands up for her Daddy, even if we are joking. I love you Lo.

My wife, the rock on which I stand, has grown so much. So much change. So much growth. So much pain. So much happiness. So much strength. Despite the obvious, my wife is not only the love of my life but is truly my best friend. I share everything with her and my life would not be the same if our paths had not crossed. Through these past 6 months, we’ve had some great times of happiness, joy, success, and pride in one another and our family. With the highs, come the lows and trust me, they have been there and continue to make their appearances. However, we walk on.

My wife, who I know without a doubt, truly loves me, is watching her best friend go blind. She is watching me struggle with things that are so simple. Making coffee, finding a dropped ice cube, matching clothes, walking with confidence, finding beauty in the sunsets and most difficult, finding her face and her beautiful brown eyes. She has watched my vision fall into a new place every day. She has watched me change and change again as a result of the new world I find myself in. She has watched me bleed, smash myself to bits and has heard the cracks of breaking bones. She has stood beside me and let me fail, watching the whole time. She has helped me, when no help was asked. She has stood with me every single step of the way.

My family is my life.

Many moons ago, I was a strong, independent, adventure seeking soul that had no plans of a mortgage, grocery bills or a family of my own. Many moons ago, my desires were number one and what I wanted, I did. Many moons ago, I lived my life like there was no tomorrow.

Today, as I part the vail of this new world, I look back on “old” self with humor. I look back and think of the life I once lived, having no desire to live that life now, and smile as I hold my daughters hand watching “Frozen” for the millionth time. I laugh at the man who who party until 3 AM and crash on a firends floor as I lay in our haven of a home, right next to the most beautiful woman. I chuckle at the toys, the dirt bikes, boats, RV’s, trucks, trailers as I help serve a healthy dinner to my people. Life’s a trip, isn’t it?

The vail continues to open up and I have one thing to say.

Thank You.

Thank you to my wife for standing with me and being the strongest person I know. Thank you for helping me when I ask for it and watching me fail so I can learn. Thank you for always being the hand that keeps me safe and the love that I need on a dark day. Thank you for loving me like you do and changing with me, not against me. Thank you for being my true partner. Thank you for being you and for all of things, good and bad events, that shaped you. Thank you for encouraging me, even though you don’t want me to, to challenge myself. Thank you for pushing me to adventure and roam free. Thank you for standing behind me, through every day, decision, challenge and special moment. You are, by far, my favorite person in the world.

Thank you to my daughters, P and Lo, for always loving me, even when I’m falling apart. Thank you for hugging me every single morning, eating lunch with me every single day and for the good night hugs and kisses every single night. Thank you for holding my hand to keep me safe, yelling “STOP” to avoid a certain crash. Thank you for standing next to me, while people look at us with judgment, pity or sadness as I hold my cane. Thank you for always cleaning up your stuff. Thank you for always loving me like you do. Thank you for being you and not letting your Daddy stop you from being you. I am so proud  and beyond grateful for you both.

Thank you to the family, friends, neighbors and random people that come in our lives from day to day. From the random guy in Prescott last week that helped me find the urinal in a bathroom to the love our family. Your acceptance, love, understanding and care is truly amazing. Thank you to our neighbors that help out the blind guy with killing a huge bug, cleaning up the street when the lights are on for the night and for always offering your home to us, even though I usually break something. Thank you to the people we see that look at us and just smile with no pity in sight. Thank you to the servers that tell me where my beer or food is when delivered. Thank you for moving aside as my family and I walk in, we don’t need you to but we appreciate the extra room. Thank you to the dudes that help me out in the mens room, I know it’s not “manly” but it’s much appreciated. Thank you for the people we encounter that DON’T make blindness the only topic of conversation.

Thank you to my parents for being there for me and my family. Thank you for letting me bee the absolutely crazy kid I was. Thank you for taking the girls out for fun and showing them things that we just don’t. Thank you for always loving us and keeping us in your thoughts. Thank you for helping me when I am just with you and thank you for always wanting the best for us. Thank you to my other parents for loving your daughters husband, blind or not. Thank you for trusting me with her. Thank you for letting us grow and for encouraging our marriage and it’s health. Thank you for always being their for your daughter, when things get rough and in the best of days.

Thank YOU to ALL of the unsung heroes.

To the unsung he