To say that losing your vision is easy would be the biggest lie I could say. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and with each day, new realities and observations are being shown to me, my wife and to my friends and family in regards to the reality of my vision loss. My independence is dwindling and as I see more of these obvious changes in my sight, I am scared.
This week has been a great week in life but not for my vision. Challenges and trials have been happening all week. Whether it’s walking off of a ledge by accident or running right into a 6’2″ man at full speed, it’s been a long and hard week of realities. Things that were once no issue, have now become challenging and with each day, the reality hits. I’m going blind.
With every new day, I wake with optimism and hope that my sight has stopped it’s progression of loss and with each new day, something happens to knock the wind right out of those sails and I am hit with the cold hard truth. Each day I fight the thoughts of what lies ahead. Questions like:
Will I be able to see my daughter on her wedding day?
Will my wife love me the same when I can’t be the same man that I’ve been?
Will I be able to help teach my daughter to surf, drive a car or play a sport?
What will it be like for my wife to be handling 2 children and me, a visually impaired grown man?
What kind of ridicule will my children face with a blind father?
What does like look and feel like with further vision deteroration?
Will I be able to be “me” after all of this?
Will my children have this disease?
This reality of diagnosis and the reality that is constantly changing in front of me is terrifying and each and every day, it wears on me, my patience and tolerance. I don’t want to be a grumpy, unhappy and mad person but when the world you know is fading to dark, it’s very hard to remain positive some days and those days, as of late, have been much more frequent.
Guilt is a big part of this. I constantly feel like a burden asking for help, a ride or assistance reading something. I hate it and coming from a very independent and free soul, losing those factors of life make the reality daunting at best. I depend on my wife for so much and she has and continues to step up to the plate. She knows that I try before asking for help and she knows that my pride is hit with every single thing I can’t do anymore. She is the rock on which I stand. She is my everything and through all of this, the trials, the depressing talks of reality and the fact that soon, i’ll be using a cane, she has and is the most compassionate, understanding and loving person that I could ever seen imagined. Without her, i’d be lost. Who knows what i’d be doing…
Finding the way stay “me” is my biggest challenge today. I accept and will walk forward, most likely bumping into things, with a new goal of managing the effects of this disease and the reality of my vision loss. Without my family and friends, I’m not sure i’d be taking these steps forward so I want to say thank you to you all that are there for me, understanding and willing to help me when it’s needed. I promise to continue to push, strive and fight the depression. I promise to find new ways to do the things that I love to do and I promise to be the best damned person I can be to the people in my life that are there for me.